I don’t need to be anyone other than who I am

Published June 4, 2014 by keya82

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“I don’t need to be anyone other than who I am”

It seems so simple doesn’t it? Yet I keep learning this is true, over and over again and still it’s truth evades me.

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I’ve always loved this inspirational quote, but today I see it in a different light.
I’ve spent years searching for myself, and creating myself. I just never realized I needed to instead just simply be.

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Question How many times have I thought “I thought I would’ve worked out who I am by now”?
Answer Too many!

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But that’s the trick isn’t it! It’s not about discovering who you are, acting a certain way, conforming to society, keeping up with the Joneses, or any other cliche in the ether. It’s about being who you are.

I don’t need to be ‘someone else’ to fit in
I don’t need to ‘fit in’
I am me. I am here.
I don’t need to ‘find’ myself. 
I am here.

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I don’t need to be/act/dress/think/speak a certain way
I am who I am

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I don’t need to wear the other ‘me’s I’ve worn in the past. 
I am who I am

I don’t need to develop a ‘me’ 
I AM me

I don’t need to be anything other than who I am
I am guided by my principals and ideals, and not some idea of who I ‘should’ be
I am who I am

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My name is Akea xxxxx
I have a wonderful boyfriend who adores me and who I adore
I have a kind, thoughtful, loyal, interesting and fun friends who adore me and who I adore
I have my family in Australia; my mother, my sisters, cousins, aunt and uncles, nieces and nephews, who adore me and who I adore
I have my wonderful and supportive extended family in Australia; my boyfriend’s family who adore me and who I adore
I have my family in Bali, who I don’t know very well, but who adore me and who I adore
I have my wonderful work colleagues, many of who are also my closest friends, who adore me and who I adore
I have a home I live in with my boyfriend
I have a job which I enjoy, that challenges and satisfies me
I have full use of all my limbs and senses
I have hobbies I enjoy; singing, writing, reading, listening to music, organizing things, making things, playing games, which make me happy and which I adore
I have overcome many challenges in my 32 years, and I’m proud of that. I am proud to be stronger, wiser and more down to earth. 

I am me. I am here.

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I’m awesome

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It’s ok

Published May 21, 2014 by keya82

I’ve been working through my thoughts and feelings

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It’s ok to feel frustrated with your life or situation

It’s ok to feel sad when things are wrong, or even when things are going well

It’s ok to have imperfections. Truly, no one is perfect. You don’t have to be.

It’s ok to be afraid to try new things, or to start again

It’s ok to look at what you need to do, and not take action right away

It’s ok to take what you need, when you need it (except stealing coz that’s illegal!)

It’s ok to have nothing to say

It’s ok to share how you feel about everything

It’s ok to come out if a bad situation positively. It doesn’t make you a bad person to find a silver lining, no matter how dark the cloud

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It’s ok to reassess or limit how much you give

It’s ok to feel you have nothing going for you. You do. The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to have memories of happy times. It’s ok to compare them to current times. It’s even ok to feel like the current times are lacking. The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to remember pain from the past, and feel anew, how it hurt then. It’s just a feeling. The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to connect with your emotions

It’s ok to hide from your emotions

It’s ok to treat yourself because you feel bad about something. It’s ok to limit yourself if you feel bad about something.
The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to be a person, living their life, trying to make sense of it all, not always succeeding.

It’s ok to feel overwhelmed with what life brings, or underwhelmed with what it brings.

It’s ok to be different to the people around you

It’s ok to be unique

It’s ok to have an opinion and to share it openly or to keep it to yourself

It’s ok to feel like you’re not ok

It’s ok to be yourself

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The feeling will pass

A new low

Published October 19, 2013 by keya82

Why would any man want a woman who was less than perfect? Why would a man with a happy family, ever want to be with someone from an unhappy one. One who questions herself each minute and cries on the inside every day.

I have driven so many men away because I want them to be perfect. But I don’t really believe its perfection I want, just consideration and partnership, kindness, tenderness. I just don’t know what is normal anymore, what is right.

I am with a good person, but he’s also a boy in so many ways. He is privileged which can make him blasé about things which are important to me, and he is very loved and accepted which is a fantastic thing. I wish I had it! It just makes him very difficult to negotiate with at times because he sees himself as the good one, the best one, the giving one, and the one who does everything but he’s not that with me. Not always. We both believe we do more than the other and I know that if it was effort that we measured I would win. But if it was love maybe he would win.

I don’t know how to be loved. I’ve always had to fight to be seen and to get what I want. I often see slights that aren’t there and malice in innocent things. If I can’t understand myself, how can I hope for someone else to understand me? I try everyday to push down my doubts and fears but I left them control me everyday as well.

I don’t mean to be difficult. But I know I can be, more often then necessary. I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I know I am. I don’t mean to be bitter, but it eats away at my insides. All the things I never had. All the lessons I never learnt. All the love and support I had to find for myself. Every time that broke into tiny pieces when it wasn’t enough for me. I just don’t know how to be the person I really am when everything I am feels so pointless. It’s like when I was made it was such an accident and I don’t fit anywhere. I don’t belong, I don’t make anyone happy, I don’t have anything to offer. I am dull. I am sensitive. I am hard to please. I have no sense of sensuality. I have no peace. I am turmoil and pressure. I have nothing. I add nothing. I feel too much and expect too much. I just don’t belong. And I will end up all alone because I have no way to fix what was always broken. I’ll never know my father or his family because what am I to them? A fat, selfish, Australian who knows nothing of their culture and needs. I have no love in my heart. It has been worn down by endless disappointment. I am a husk of a person. I have enough to get through the basics but inside I am rotten to the core. I am like the dead nerve in my teeth. Too far gone to function with anything but pain. Too different to fit in. To lost to be found. Too broken to be repaired. I am loss, despair, sadness and regret. I am poison. My body hates me. My mind hates me. I am nothing much to anyone and I have nothing to do but rot.

All I want is what I can’t have. A fresh start. A chance to be a valued and loved part of a family that wants me, that needs me, that appreciated me and loves me. Does mine do that? I don’t think so. Not really. Not without me making effort to love them, value them, appreciate them and even then, just maybe we may reach each other at a time where ones need is not greater than my own. Why is my need so great that I am never happy? Why do I ask so much but give so little? Why can’t my dreams come true?

It’s strange to reach a new low. It’s strange to feel so hopeless. So full of despair that even the smallest thing feels like a huge blow. How can I ever live up to my own expectations when I invest so little in my own happiness? How can I invest in my own happiness when I don’t really believe it’s out there. Not for me. I’m just not one of those lucky people where things turn out for the best. I’m just waste, debris, depression and I’m torn in pieces by my own mind.

I’m let down by my own inability to make a change. But I’m so shackled by my mind that I can’t make sustained improvement. It’s hard enough to remember to breathe.

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Change is power

Published September 23, 2013 by keya82

Change is the only thing you can count on. The only constant is change. But what if you don’t want change?

If this is the case then perhaps you need to look at WHY you don’t want things to change. 

 

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People often make the mistake of believing that there is no point in trying to change something they aren’t happy with, whether this be in their work, their relationships, their friendships or in themselves. They may feel they have tried and failed to incite change. They may think they have missed their chance to speak up to influence their situation. They may even perceive themselves as having no power to create a change. They have not considered that it is never too late to influence your situation. All you need is an idea of what you want. 

 

There are truly great people in our world who inspire us, lead us, and whose influence live on even after they have gone.

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What did these people do differently? They rolled with change and accepted that change brings possibility. These leaders each chose the outcome they hoped for and pushed to make it a reality. What do they have in common? Awareness that to get a different outcome, they needed to try a different approach.

 

Is there something you want to change in your life? If so, answer these questions…

What is it I want to change? Why do I want it to change? What is the impact to me if it DOESN’T change?

What am I doing today to encourage the change I want? Who else do I know who also wants this change?

What else WILL I do to make this change a reality?

Now go and do it!

 

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Don’t leave yourself trapped by your resistance to change. Jump in. Grab your ideas and make them reality. You can be a victim of change or you can champion it. The choice is yours.

 

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A hopeless romantic

Published August 8, 2013 by keya82

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I never realized how much of a romantic I am until I found myself in a wonderful relationship but it still left me feeling like something was missing. We aren’t the same, but why should we be? But shouldn’t we both love… Love? Shouldn’t that be what draws us together and the traits we each have be what keeps us together? I know not everyone is made for love, but when I met someone who seemed so passionate, so deep, clever, intelligent and sensitive how is it that he does not feel things? I watch a good romantic comedy and it leaves me with a warm happiness, faith that love conquers and that it all works out in the end. I feel vulnerable, loving and safe. He says he enjoyed it then flicks in the footy show. He doesn’t even watch the footy. 

Is this the beginning of the end, where my neediness and romanticism pushes him from me? Is this where he sees me for what I really am; a woman with a girlish desperation to find the fantasy of true love? Can a man who loved the Princess Bride like I did, not feel the love and beautiful hope it inspires? 
Have I become so deluded to believe that a true love like that, or like any film, truly exists? 
I can’t find the lines between reality and dreams anymore. I ache at the thought that this dream come true is another false hope and that life just doesn’t deliver that feeling. 
Does he love me? Yes he does. I know this. Can he love me like I wish to be loved? Can anyone? Can I? I just don’t know. 
I’ve always believed there was someone out there who was meant for another, and that one day I’d find mine. My ‘the one’. He and I have even said this to each other. 
If he is not like that today does that mean he never will be again? Probably not. It’s busy at work and we’re both run down. 
If he was like that once, will he be that way again? Possibly, but am I who I was to him then? Can I be her again? Yes, but not if I sink into the depths of sadness and regret. 
Why is life so complicated? 
Why can’t I be happy when I should be? 
Is the problem that I’m a romantic? Or is it that my expectations are too high? If I’m stressed, sick, tired or worrying about something I am not at my best and do not give him my best me. Why do I expect him to give me his, when I can’t offer mine?
 
PMS, flu and fatigue makes me want to cry about this. Logic and reason makes me want to ‘man up’ and get over it. Feminism makes me want to reassure myself I don’t need a man to be happy. Romanticism tells me the right man would never have me feel this way. Modernism hints that relationships are overrated. Realism makes me want to roll my eyes at myself while respecting that a girl has a right to feel down sometimes. Narcissism makes me want to get a cat who will love me when I feel unloved… And the cat will never say the wrong thing!
 
Sometimes being a romantic person just hurts, even when you are loved, even when you love back, even when the world can see your love but you can’t. 

Challenge for a commitment-phobe

Published August 4, 2013 by keya82

 

I am a commitment-phobe.

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Now to be clear, I’m not talking about relationships. Commitment in that area in many ways runs the opposite way. I’m a commit-a-holic, or as I often say “I’ve always been a ‘Relationship’ person” (as opposed to a single person). In fact I recently realized that despite my belief I had a nonchalant approach to my relationships, I have actually always been a romantic. While I haven’t planned my wedding since childhood, and I don’t have a list of what my ideal partner should be, I do have a dream for this aspect of my future. I have always wanted to meet the right man, be courted but also respected by them, get married, and start a family of my own. In this I have also wanted to be married prior to having children (I have my reasons), and have kids in my 30s. The odd thing is I didn’t realize how much this was my “plan” until recently.
But I digress. I am a commitment-phobe. I love the idea of having a routine. I also love the idea of challenging my mind, body & soul with activities, hobbies, social engagements etc in a routine way. My problem is I don’t like committing to do things.
I have a friend who is always busy. She has social engagement most weekends with friends all over the country and regularly plans her time to see them all. She is a committed and loyal friend, and she loves order, planning and of course seeing her friends!
Now I am no less of a loyal and committed friend, yet I loathe the idea of having so much time allocated that I cannot just choose what I want to do at any given time. I don’t understand this in myself at all. It’s like the pressure of needing to meet my commitment to the person, task or activity outweighs my desire to actually see that person, study that topic, get fit, get moving, whatever!
Now if anyone else out there suffers from this I’d love to hear your thoughts too. I have not found anyone who understands this strange quirk. Better yet, if you have overcome it, what changed?
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Basically I am the one who says yes on facebook with a genuine belief that I mean it, I want to go, that sharing in this event will make me happy and generate new memories, and obviously be appreciated by the event organizer. However as the time towards the event ticks down I get a sense of anxiety. ‘Do I really want to go out in the city? It’s to far away/ will cost so much money/ I won’t know everyone/ I may not enjoy myself.’
I’m not sure where this comes from. Is it that I have become more introverted as I have grown older? I used to love a routine of catching up with friends or going somewhere regularly. Why am I now shying away from commitments?
It’s not just social events either. I cannot even commit to regular activities that completely benefit me directly that I wholly enjoy and/or am passionate about ; i.e. exercise, classes/ study, writing, singing,  reading, personal development, saving money. I am impulsive and not disciplined. I have a problem and commitment is thy name.
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So why am I writing about this? Because I want it to change. I don’t like being flaky with friends, family and especially with myself. The worst is when I am my own worse enemy in this. When after being frustrated by financial pressures, then upset by weight gain, and anxious about a social commitment, I go out to buy a new outfit to wear so I feel comfortable in my body for the social event, and feel positive about myself. This whole approach is completely backwards as it is counter productive. I am buying a new outfit (when I have financial challenges), because I am unhappy with my weight (which I could be doing something about on a regular basis), so in order to feel good about myself I encourage all the things making me anxious in the first place. If I spent time regularly working on the things I want in my life (see above things I am passionate about) I wouldn’t need to buy the new outfit to make me happy, thereby adding to financial pressures. Instead I would be healthy, fit and probably have more fluid cash flow! I think I actually have a fear of reaching my goals and maintaining my passions. This is why I say I am commitment phobic, although probably more accurate would be to say I am afraid to be happy.
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So what does blogging have to do with any of this? Well, not a heap really but it’s a small step and an outlet for all the stresses involved in my strange phobia. After a 2 month hiatus in writing (my 6 week daily blog challenge really exhausted me!), I’m setting a new challenge. Again it is to write more frequently, but perhaps daily is a touch much. Let’s be real here, I’m not good at do any hobbies daily even if I love them!  This challenge is designed to see me through a 3 month cycle. Why 3 months? Well they say it takes at least one month to form a habit. I pledge to blog weekly for 3 months.
I think a valued side effect of this challenge will be to explore why I shy away from commitments. I struggle with my weight because I have no regular routine in fitness. I am active…. sometimes, and sedentary other times (alright most times!!). I struggle with cash flow because I spend impulsively and don’t have discipline. I smoke because I don’t want to commit to quitting. I want my life to be different but I am not doing anything to change it. I really want to make more permanent changes. I did the Michelle bridges 12 week body transformation a year ago, and to some extent I transformed my body (10kgs down and some great eating habits learned), but then I let it transform back and every day of it I have tortured myself and berated myself for every poor decision. Did that change my choices? No, not really. It just made me feel really bad about myself.
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Do I think I will ever be satisfied with my efforts in my passions? Yes I do. But by then I will be too busy enjoying them to think about whether or not my efforts are good enough. Is that to say that the solution to feeling badly about yourself is to keep busy? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. All I know is that I want to have integrity with myself. I deserve to live the life I want to. I do not deserve to berate myself for every poor choice. I wouldn’t accept this kind of lax attitude from a friend or a partner, so I will no longer accept it from myself either.
What are the things I want to do? Yoga, singing (choir), bush walking, planning & cooking balanced meals, dancing (salsa?), writing, reading, study (psychology?), accepting social invitations and following through.
Today is Sunday night so by the end of each Sunday I will write a new post. Perhaps throughout this challenge I will even be able to commit to a regular day! I hope so.
Stay tuned!
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