I don’t need to be anyone other than who I am

“I don’t need to be anyone other than who I am”

It seems so simple doesn’t it? Yet I keep learning this is true, over and over again and still it’s truth evades me.

I’ve always loved this inspirational quote, but today I see it in a different light.
I’ve spent years searching for myself, and creating myself. I just never realized I needed to instead just simply be.

Question How many times have I thought “I thought I would’ve worked out who I am by now”?
Answer Too many!

But that’s the trick isn’t it! It’s not about discovering who you are, acting a certain way, conforming to society, keeping up with the Joneses, or any other cliche in the ether. It’s about being who you are.

I don’t need to be ‘someone else’ to fit in
I don’t need to ‘fit in’
I am me. I am here.
I don’t need to ‘find’ myself. 
I am here.

I don’t need to be/act/dress/think/speak a certain way
I am who I am

I don’t need to wear the other ‘me’s I’ve worn in the past. 
I am who I am

I don’t need to develop a ‘me’ 
I AM me

I don’t need to be anything other than who I am
I am guided by my principals and ideals, and not some idea of who I ‘should’ be
I am who I am

My name is Akea xxxxx
I have a wonderful boyfriend who adores me and who I adore
I have a kind, thoughtful, loyal, interesting and fun friends who adore me and who I adore
I have my family in Australia; my mother, my sisters, cousins, aunt and uncles, nieces and nephews, who adore me and who I adore
I have my wonderful and supportive extended family in Australia; my boyfriend’s family who adore me and who I adore
I have my family in Bali, who I don’t know very well, but who adore me and who I adore
I have my wonderful work colleagues, many of who are also my closest friends, who adore me and who I adore
I have a home I live in with my boyfriend
I have a job which I enjoy, that challenges and satisfies me
I have full use of all my limbs and senses
I have hobbies I enjoy; singing, writing, reading, listening to music, organizing things, making things, playing games, which make me happy and which I adore
I have overcome many challenges in my 32 years, and I’m proud of that. I am proud to be stronger, wiser and more down to earth. 

I am me. I am here.

I’m awesome

It’s ok

I’ve been working through my thoughts and feelings

It’s ok to feel frustrated with your life or situation

It’s ok to feel sad when things are wrong, or even when things are going well

It’s ok to have imperfections. Truly, no one is perfect. You don’t have to be.

It’s ok to be afraid to try new things, or to start again

It’s ok to look at what you need to do, and not take action right away

It’s ok to take what you need, when you need it (except stealing coz that’s illegal!)

It’s ok to have nothing to say

It’s ok to share how you feel about everything

It’s ok to come out if a bad situation positively. It doesn’t make you a bad person to find a silver lining, no matter how dark the cloud

It’s ok to reassess or limit how much you give

It’s ok to feel you have nothing going for you. You do. The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to have memories of happy times. It’s ok to compare them to current times. It’s even ok to feel like the current times are lacking. The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to remember pain from the past, and feel anew, how it hurt then. It’s just a feeling. The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to connect with your emotions

It’s ok to hide from your emotions

It’s ok to treat yourself because you feel bad about something. It’s ok to limit yourself if you feel bad about something.
The feeling will pass.

It’s ok to be a person, living their life, trying to make sense of it all, not always succeeding.

It’s ok to feel overwhelmed with what life brings, or underwhelmed with what it brings.

It’s ok to be different to the people around you

It’s ok to be unique

It’s ok to have an opinion and to share it openly or to keep it to yourself

It’s ok to feel like you’re not ok

It’s ok to be yourself

The feeling will pass

A new low

Why would any man want a woman who was less than perfect? Why would a man with a happy family, ever want to be with someone from an unhappy one. One who questions herself each minute and cries on the inside every day.

I have driven so many men away because I want them to be perfect. But I don’t really believe its perfection I want, just consideration and partnership, kindness, tenderness. I just don’t know what is normal anymore, what is right.

I am with a good person, but he’s also a boy in so many ways. He is privileged which can make him blasé about things which are important to me, and he is very loved and accepted which is a fantastic thing. I wish I had it! It just makes him very difficult to negotiate with at times because he sees himself as the good one, the best one, the giving one, and the one who does everything but he’s not that with me. Not always. We both believe we do more than the other and I know that if it was effort that we measured I would win. But if it was love maybe he would win.

I don’t know how to be loved. I’ve always had to fight to be seen and to get what I want. I often see slights that aren’t there and malice in innocent things. If I can’t understand myself, how can I hope for someone else to understand me? I try everyday to push down my doubts and fears but I left them control me everyday as well.

I don’t mean to be difficult. But I know I can be, more often then necessary. I don’t mean to be judgmental, but I know I am. I don’t mean to be bitter, but it eats away at my insides. All the things I never had. All the lessons I never learnt. All the love and support I had to find for myself. Every time that broke into tiny pieces when it wasn’t enough for me. I just don’t know how to be the person I really am when everything I am feels so pointless. It’s like when I was made it was such an accident and I don’t fit anywhere. I don’t belong, I don’t make anyone happy, I don’t have anything to offer. I am dull. I am sensitive. I am hard to please. I have no sense of sensuality. I have no peace. I am turmoil and pressure. I have nothing. I add nothing. I feel too much and expect too much. I just don’t belong. And I will end up all alone because I have no way to fix what was always broken. I’ll never know my father or his family because what am I to them? A fat, selfish, Australian who knows nothing of their culture and needs. I have no love in my heart. It has been worn down by endless disappointment. I am a husk of a person. I have enough to get through the basics but inside I am rotten to the core. I am like the dead nerve in my teeth. Too far gone to function with anything but pain. Too different to fit in. To lost to be found. Too broken to be repaired. I am loss, despair, sadness and regret. I am poison. My body hates me. My mind hates me. I am nothing much to anyone and I have nothing to do but rot.

All I want is what I can’t have. A fresh start. A chance to be a valued and loved part of a family that wants me, that needs me, that appreciated me and loves me. Does mine do that? I don’t think so. Not really. Not without me making effort to love them, value them, appreciate them and even then, just maybe we may reach each other at a time where ones need is not greater than my own. Why is my need so great that I am never happy? Why do I ask so much but give so little? Why can’t my dreams come true?

It’s strange to reach a new low. It’s strange to feel so hopeless. So full of despair that even the smallest thing feels like a huge blow. How can I ever live up to my own expectations when I invest so little in my own happiness? How can I invest in my own happiness when I don’t really believe it’s out there. Not for me. I’m just not one of those lucky people where things turn out for the best. I’m just waste, debris, depression and I’m torn in pieces by my own mind.

I’m let down by my own inability to make a change. But I’m so shackled by my mind that I can’t make sustained improvement. It’s hard enough to remember to breathe.

Challenge for a commitment-phobe

 

I am a commitment-phobe.

Now to be clear, I’m not talking about relationships. Commitment in that area in many ways runs the opposite way. I’m a commit-a-holic, or as I often say “I’ve always been a ‘Relationship’ person” (as opposed to a single person). In fact I recently realized that despite my belief I had a nonchalant approach to my relationships, I have actually always been a romantic. While I haven’t planned my wedding since childhood, and I don’t have a list of what my ideal partner should be, I do have a dream for this aspect of my future. I have always wanted to meet the right man, be courted but also respected by them, get married, and start a family of my own. In this I have also wanted to be married prior to having children (I have my reasons), and have kids in my 30s. The odd thing is I didn’t realize how much this was my “plan” until recently.

But I digress. I am a commitment-phobe. I love the idea of having a routine. I also love the idea of challenging my mind, body & soul with activities, hobbies, social engagements etc in a routine way. My problem is I don’t like committing to do things.

I have a friend who is always busy. She has social engagement most weekends with friends all over the country and regularly plans her time to see them all. She is a committed and loyal friend, and she loves order, planning and of course seeing her friends!

Now I am no less of a loyal and committed friend, yet I loathe the idea of having so much time allocated that I cannot just choose what I want to do at any given time. I don’t understand this in myself at all. It’s like the pressure of needing to meet my commitment to the person, task or activity outweighs my desire to actually see that person, study that topic, get fit, get moving, whatever!

Now if anyone else out there suffers from this I’d love to hear your thoughts too. I have not found anyone who understands this strange quirk. Better yet, if you have overcome it, what changed?

Basically I am the one who says yes on facebook with a genuine belief that I mean it, I want to go, that sharing in this event will make me happy and generate new memories, and obviously be appreciated by the event organizer. However as the time towards the event ticks down I get a sense of anxiety. ‘Do I really want to go out in the city? It’s to far away/ will cost so much money/ I won’t know everyone/ I may not enjoy myself.’

I’m not sure where this comes from. Is it that I have become more introverted as I have grown older? I used to love a routine of catching up with friends or going somewhere regularly. Why am I now shying away from commitments?

It’s not just social events either. I cannot even commit to regular activities that completely benefit me directly that I wholly enjoy and/or am passionate about ; i.e. exercise, classes/ study, writing, singing,  reading, personal development, saving money. I am impulsive and not disciplined. I have a problem and commitment is thy name.

So why am I writing about this? Because I want it to change. I don’t like being flaky with friends, family and especially with myself. The worst is when I am my own worse enemy in this. When after being frustrated by financial pressures, then upset by weight gain, and anxious about a social commitment, I go out to buy a new outfit to wear so I feel comfortable in my body for the social event, and feel positive about myself. This whole approach is completely backwards as it is counter productive. I am buying a new outfit (when I have financial challenges), because I am unhappy with my weight (which I could be doing something about on a regular basis), so in order to feel good about myself I encourage all the things making me anxious in the first place. If I spent time regularly working on the things I want in my life (see above things I am passionate about) I wouldn’t need to buy the new outfit to make me happy, thereby adding to financial pressures. Instead I would be healthy, fit and probably have more fluid cash flow! I think I actually have a fear of reaching my goals and maintaining my passions. This is why I say I am commitment phobic, although probably more accurate would be to say I am afraid to be happy.

So what does blogging have to do with any of this? Well, not a heap really but it’s a small step and an outlet for all the stresses involved in my strange phobia. After a 2 month hiatus in writing (my 6 week daily blog challenge really exhausted me!), I’m setting a new challenge. Again it is to write more frequently, but perhaps daily is a touch much. Let’s be real here, I’m not good at do any hobbies daily even if I love them!  This challenge is designed to see me through a 3 month cycle. Why 3 months? Well they say it takes at least one month to form a habit. I pledge to blog weekly for 3 months.

I think a valued side effect of this challenge will be to explore why I shy away from commitments. I struggle with my weight because I have no regular routine in fitness. I am active…. sometimes, and sedentary other times (alright most times!!). I struggle with cash flow because I spend impulsively and don’t have discipline. I smoke because I don’t want to commit to quitting. I want my life to be different but I am not doing anything to change it. I really want to make more permanent changes. I did the Michelle bridges 12 week body transformation a year ago, and to some extent I transformed my body (10kgs down and some great eating habits learned), but then I let it transform back and every day of it I have tortured myself and berated myself for every poor decision. Did that change my choices? No, not really. It just made me feel really bad about myself.

Do I think I will ever be satisfied with my efforts in my passions? Yes I do. But by then I will be too busy enjoying them to think about whether or not my efforts are good enough. Is that to say that the solution to feeling badly about yourself is to keep busy? Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. All I know is that I want to have integrity with myself. I deserve to live the life I want to. I do not deserve to berate myself for every poor choice. I wouldn’t accept this kind of lax attitude from a friend or a partner, so I will no longer accept it from myself either.

What are the things I want to do? Yoga, singing (choir), bush walking, planning & cooking balanced meals, dancing (salsa?), writing, reading, study (psychology?), accepting social invitations and following through.

Today is Sunday night so by the end of each Sunday I will write a new post. Perhaps throughout this challenge I will even be able to commit to a regular day! I hope so.

Stay tuned!

Clear and present living

It’s been a week since I last wrote and I haven’t been bothered by my lack of writing. I realize sometimes living my life is more important than meeting commitments to my hobbies. I have spent my time enjoying the company of my man, getting early nights, and reveling in the joy of accepting my present without worry of the future.

One of my greatest successes of late is succeeding at living in the present. My daily challenge is in not thinking too far ahead. Since leaving home at 18 I have been chasing the dream of success and each time life threw me lemons, it plummeted me into sadness and uncertainty. Even now at 31, I can get trapped looking too far ahead. The cycles of depression I face come too often from my life not living up to my dreams. Dave always tells me not to worry too much. When living out of home for the first time I had to train myself to think further ahead, for without foresight events would impact me and money would slip through my fingers.
Living with a man who has not really experienced financial uncertainty, or hardship in terms of living independently, and living with poor decisions made, is both frustrating and enlightening. He is teaching me to be happy without even meaning to. He is teaching me to be frugal and learning to be responsible in turn. Mostly it works. Mostly it is delightful! In all my relationships I have never known someone as wonderful as Dave. Not because he tries to be, he isn’t perfect! No it’s because he enhances me, and I enhance him.
Living in the present may seem irresponsible, it may make me skip commitments or not commit to a task, however the overarching benefits of living and loving presently is absolute. I do not intent to let anyone down, but I owe myself forgiveness for past pressure, peace in decisions and love in myself, my friends and family.

I choose happiness. I choose love. I choose now.

A x

Smiles

Smiling is good for you. It takes less muscles to smile than it does to frown. Smiling while talking on the phone makes you sound friendlier. A genuine smile is one of the nicest things you can encounter when you are feeling down. Here is a list of things which make me smile:

puppies I love their dopey little walk, their wagging tail, their soft puppy fur, their squeaky little barks. Especially when two of them are playing together. Too cute!

kittens (Before you assume this will be a list of baby animals, I promise it won’t be!! Just these) Regardless of breed, all kittens are little bundles of energy. Unlike their adult selves, they are bouncy and spring around chasing anything that moves! Their little mewls and bright wide eyes are adorable!

sunset A colorful subset never fails to illicit a smile from me. Typically seen on the train on the way home from work, I smile, zone off and enjoy art in progress by Mother Nature.

seeing someone do something silly Yes when they do it on purpose I am a good audience, but I also shamelessly love seeing someone spill something or slip while walking then check to see if anyone saw them do it! I will be the one with the knowing smile, often sympathetic, but a witness nonetheless.

music I haven’t heard for a while A song has the power to transform my mood and hearing a good song always gets a smile from me, followed by the exclamation ‘I love this song! I haven’t heard this in aaaages!’ Today this happened today with Missing You by John Waite & Alison Krauss.

compliments I am a sucker for a genuine compliment. They always make me smile!

a pretty tree lined street I love taking photos of nice streets. In my area there are beautiful tree lined streets and in autumn the bursts of colour is stunning!

looking at my man He always makes me smile. If I’m sad, moody, tired, or just flat, seeing him always makes me smile. He is like a child, bouncing off the walls, being cute and always wanting my attention. While this is sometimes annoying he will never fail to make me crack a smile.

accomplishing anything If I succeed in doing something whether it be writing my blog, doing an hour on my cross trainer, making a tasty dinner, finishing a task, I always smile when it’s done, as part of the ritual of completing it.

my nephews and nieces These guys and gals are so cute! Even though my nieces are in their 20s now (I became an aunt at 8) and my nephews are in double digits, they are such amazing little people. My nephews are energetic, intelligent, funny and active boys. The youngest literally climbs the walls! The other is super brainy & creative. My nieces are strong young women now, one finding herself through travelling and the other through partying (just like my big sisters were at similar ages really).

old couples who are clearly still in love Cliched I know but this is always a sign to me of hope and happiness.

a clean home I am quite house-proud, so a clean room or clean house always makes me smile. It brings a feeling of content, order out of chaos and all that.

a good outfit Typically this would be one I am wearing. I don’t always get my outfits right. I don’t always try to. But when an outfit just works that always makes me smile. Maybe it’s because it doesn’t always happen, maybe it’s validation in front of my eyes that I can style myself well, or maybe it’s just plain old narcissism!

We don’t always take time to notice the things that make us smile. There are heaps of other things I’ve smiled at lately; a possum running along a fence, flowers in the mid afternoon sun, the toddler of a friend blowing raspberries at me or a perfect crescent moon in the starry sky. Make sure you make time to see the beauty that is around us, all those potential smiles waiting to happen.

A x

Blessed and not blessed

How is it possible that one person can live having experienced so much pain, yet another can have no idea what that feels like. How can one person have been that unlucky yet the other be so blessed? How can you ever connect with others when there are people out there that have felt no real sorrow, no death, no bullying, no heartbreak, no uncertainty at all? Is it wrong to feel this is unusual to have never expletives any of this? Or is it wrong to have experienced more pain than is normal? I don’t know. But I find it difficult to feel connected to someone who has no idea how any of that feels, and has no wish to imagine it. Is it selfish to ask that my experiences be considered? Probably. It is selfish to expect me to be ‘lighter’ because I should be happy now. Probably. So what is right? What do I do? How do I overcome the sadness which sweeps in? How do I learn to trust when all of my past experiences have resulted in a loss of trust. How can I be light when I feel so heavy? It’s exhausting how much energy it uses to not succumb to darkness. But how do you explain that to a blessed person? Especially one who rarely communicates in a real way, but through random quotes and baby talk. One who resorts to saying awful things to hurt you when you are already hurting, because they are annoyed you are still hurt. Where is the logic in that? I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts.

if your heart got an annual performance review

Awesome post – check this one out!

 

if your heart got an annual performance review.

Day 10 – Failed before I got halfway

Those who follow my writing may recall 10 days ago I committed to writing a post every day for 6 weeks. Yesterday I completely forgot to do this! In my defense I was overtired having had only 4 hours sleep. When I got home at 5pm  I lay on the couch and promptly fell asleep until 8 where I had dinner and watched Dollhouse until about 11pm.

Failure is a funny concept. I have an overwhelming urge to go “Well, that’s it then. So much for 6 weeks daily.” But at the same time I am happy to continue and just take this in my stride as a small hurdle. I will just need to have a better system with ensuring I get my posts done, and even if it means drafting many on days where I have more time, and posting these a day at a time, at least I will meet my goal for the rest of the time.

Sometimes I get so drained after a long day at work, and just don’t want to do ANY thinking. This is how it was yesterday. At least I will have some drafts I can rework without too much energy. I prefer not to resort to just posting images or short messages, as this is not my style for this blog. I would rather create something worth reading whether that be a serious post or a simple list, than just post an image I like as my daily post.

In closing I wanted to share a list of quotes I like about failure:

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”

― Winston Churchill

“A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions–as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”

― Henry Ford

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”

― Bill Cosby

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all. In which case, you’ve failed by default.”

― J. K. Rowling

“If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.”

― Mary Pickford

“We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse.”

― Rudyard Kipling

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

― Thomas A. Edison

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

― Winston Churchill

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”

― Lance Armstrong, Every Second Counts

“You always pass failure on the way to success.”

― Mickey Rooney

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

― Thomas A. Edison

“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”

― Sophocles, Antigone

“No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s ALWAYS had EVERYTHING work out for them with ZERO struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.”

― Chris Hardwick

“Winners are not afraid of losing. But losers are. Failure is part of the process of success. People who avoid failure also avoid success.”

― Robert T. Kiyosaki, Rich Dad, Poor Dad

xx A

Me time

Despite having a public holiday last Thursday for ANZAC Day, I have planned leave from with for this Thursday, Friday and Monday. I’m not going anywhere. I just wanted to have some ‘me time’.

Sometimes the 9-5 (or in my case 8-4, 9-5, 10-6 weekly rotating roster) gets too busy and I really wanted to spend some time not being at work. I do have some house things I want to do, but I told my boyfriend to take some time too so we can spend some quality time.

Me time is very important to me. I want to rejuvenate myself, get our study organized and do more active things. I also want to start doing more regular couple type things to invest in my relationship.

I need to find ways to get these things done during a normal week, but for now I have settled to planning for the time I have taken off instead!

House things I need to do:
-Call electricity company
-Rearrange study
-Vacuum (I could’ve done this on the weekend but didn’t)
-Choose Internet provider and set up home Internet
-Cajole boyfriend into confirming a day for hanging our curtains and mounting some pictures on the walls

Couple stuff I want to do:
-Picnic at national park (row boat hire optional)
-Bushwalk
-Visit the zoo
– See a movie
-Take photos of us doing couply things
-Have a cafe breakfast

Other things I want to do:
-Try my local gym at least twice between Thursday & Monday
-Use my cross trainer at least 3 times between Thursday & Monday
-Sleep in
-Eat clean dinners
-Bake chocolate brownies
-Finish reading ‘how to win friends and influence people’
-Watch some of the movies from my childhood
-Clear out old clothes, shoes, accessories etc & donate them to charity
-Do a home pedicure

Hopefully I will get these things done and more! I have a bad habit of making plans like this then completely ignoring them.
Feel free to suggest any other ‘me time’ ideas, or even ideas to better follow through on plans, that work for you!

A x