support

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5 ways to get support when going through a tough time

Published April 22, 2013 by keya82

We all go through tough times. Sometimes we seek out support in these times, by talking to a friend, family member or even a counsellor. Sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger then a friend. Other times it’s easier to just keep it to yourself. However we choose to deal with it, most people are offered some kind of support during this tough time. But how do we either accept or decline this help without burning our bridges? What if talking to friends hasn’t helped? Where can we go to get support when going through tough times?

Here are 5 things to think about when facing tough times that may help you work things out, or just to get through the worst of it.

1: Always acknowledge the person that has offered you their support

We as people are self-absorbed. In most cases the average person is most interested in one thing above all others…themselves! This is not to say we are all selfish, but that it is human nature to look out for number 1. Having said that we are all capable of supporting another and I’m certain all of you at one point in your lives have offered yourself to another for support during a tough time. Similarly at some point you will all be offered support by someone. They may not be a close friend. They may not even be considered a friend, but more of an acquaintance or colleague. But they have offered you support out of their concern for you and your situation.
If you are strong willed or even just a very private person, you will be inclined to brush off any help. People who cannot accept help tend to take the world on their shoulders, and assume they are supposed to be able to go it alone. To accept help gratefully would be showing themselves as weak. This is not necessarily true.
The person offering help may be very well intended with only concern for your wellbeing. They may have a wealth of experience in this area, and be offering you support as they believe they may be able to add some insight into your situation.
I recently offered a colleague who had been off work due to a personal issue, personal support should they need to talk, and how did they react? They changed the subject. I offered again, more gently this time to show I was only concerned for their wellbeing, as I thought perhaps they hadn’t heard or understood my offer. They then brushed me off and began talking about a mundane work issue.
I can take a hint. You don’t want the support I am offering. But it’s just plain rude to pretend I didn’t even say anything! I know I will be less inclined to offer my help or support to this person again. I’ll be hard pressed to even care next time.
Had this person simply thanked me and declined the support, or even just declined saying they would be ok I would respect their wishes and feel ok about it. However by ignoring the offer they burned their bridge with me. You don’t need to accept the offer of help, just acknowledging that the person has offered it to you is enough to show them you value the gesture.

2: Seriously consider their offer

The fact that this person has offered support to you should indicate to you that they care in some way about you, even if it is just in relation to part of your current challenge.
I had a rough experience at work a few years ago where my management position was being phased out of the structure, and the only position available to me was aligned to my previous role as a team leader. This was a tough time for me career-wise as I had known the role was going to be phased out but had kept faith that a similar level role would be found for me within the company. I had not even considered a step backwards could occur. But it did, and I had trouble dealing as it was not a result of my quality of work or of my value, but a necessary structural change across our business. This didn’t prevent me from feeling like I must’ve f@&ked up somewhere and not been told. A friend and colleague of mine mentioned that another of our colleagues had told him to offer her support if I needed to talk. This colleague had been through a similar change previously, and kind of been shafted but was positive and professional.
My first instinct was to thank the messenger and forget it was offered. But as I struggled day to day with my self esteem and perceived value of my contribution at the office, I realized that I should accept this offer. I called her after work and we agreed to have lunch.
We talked about each of our experiences over sushi, and it was good. Talking with her didn’t fix how I felt, and she wasn’t able to provide any magic solution for getting back up the ladder, but it made me feel understood and connected. Talking with someone who had been through a similar experience was empowering because they actually did understand how I felt about it.
Often when we are struggling with a challenge or tough times it is the feeling that no one understands that can break you. Talking to my colleague (and now friend) took pressure off me to process how I felt by myself, and it helped me to feel like I was not alone.

3. If you can’t confide in a friend, talk to a professional

There are a range of support hotlines available where you can talk to a professional about almost anything. Most workplaces provide an employee assistance program which offers 3 counseling sessions at no charge. TAFEs and universities also have these services available to their students. Many crisis lines exist if you are at risk of endangering yourself or others. R U OK offers a free call hotline which connects you to 5 of Australia’s crisis and information hotlines; Lifeline, Suicide Call Back Service, Kids Helpline, SANE Australia helpline and beyondblue Info Line. These hotlines are designed to support you anonymously when you are in a crisis.

If your problems are less urgent then consider talking to your GP about finding a counsellor. If cash flow is a problem and your issues are warranted, your GP can assist in setting you up with a Mental Health Care Plan, where if approved you will be entitled to a set number of free or subsidized counseling sessions through Medicare. This is most suitable for those diagnosed with Depression or Anxiety conditions, that are more long term issues.
Talking to a professional can assist you in gaining the tools you need o learn to change habits or just to learn new coping techniques.

4. Reconnect with your network
We all have a network of people in our lives who we care about and that care about us. Parents, siblings, extended family, friends, mentors, colleagues and acquaintances, are all part of our network. If you aren’t comfortable talking about your personal situation then ask about theirs instead. As I mentioned earlier, we are all self focused so not only will they appreciate getting time with you, they will get to air their important thoughts, and you can take a break from yours. Alternatively, you can share your burdens with someone you know and trust, and get insight into yourself from someone who knows you. This can be very helpful in staving off any solitude and thoughts that no one will understand you. If you give them a chance they may surprise you!

5. Do something for you

When going through a challenging time often the last thing we want to do is to stop being busy. This will lead to time alone, which may lead to thinking, which may lead to despairing over your situation. This is all true. But it can also alleviate pressure. Sometimes you need perspective to work out a problem or to get through tough times.

If you are stuck on a problem get off the dance floor

Taking time out for you is essential to recharge your brain and gain new strength to refocus your energies. Sometimes you cannot find a solution until you get some distance from your issue. You may be too close to the issue to be objective or you may just be too worn out to handle it at that moment. We put oil in our cars so the components inside can run smoothly, meaning a smoother and safer drive. We need to give our minds something too, to allow us to use them effectively. You could get a massage, go shopping, dedicate a day to video games, read a book, take a bath, walk outside in the sun, meditate, practice yoga, go to the gym or bake a cake. But whatever you do commit to making it time for you, and if possible take yourself somewhere where this time will not be interrupted. This will give your mind and body time off from worrying, and help you find some clarity about what is important, and about what you can actually control in your situation.

Hopefully you will find some value in this, I know these techniques have worked for me. I hope they can help you too

Day 2

A x

Injury, Doctors and Physio… Oh my!

Published November 4, 2012 by keya82

So before this Round began I had a niggling knee issue. The back of my left knee would swell and be tender and sore for no reason. I felt sometimes that bending my knee (for walking, stairs, sitting, standing up) could result in my knee giving way.
When I was a kid I had a set GP, he was seeing me since I was born and I saw him until I was about 20 when I moved out of the area, and also didn’t like his repeated suggestions of exercising more. Over the next 10 years I began to see a GP regularly then would move, get a new GP and start all over again. In hindsight I wish I had continued with my childhood GP so all my medical history could be in one place. Over time I found 2 GPs that I saw on a regular basis, one in Leichhardt which was always busy and up to 1.5 hours wait time some days, and the other in North Strathfield which was rarely longer than 30 min wait but was much further away.
When my knee began to hurt I saw me Gp who I will call Dr Know (because he had natural and knowledgable solutions for everything – even pressure points in the feet for migraines). I saw Dr Know and got referred for an xray & ultrasound. Neither showed anything! Curious and curiouser. My knee stopped being as tender and settled into just being randomly sore. I decided to continue with my 12WBT dreams and get into the program.

Round 3 began and I was doing my fitness tests for week 1 & then week 4 and trying to run laps at my local oval. The knee had settled down a little and was rarely throbbing – just uncomfortable so determined as I was I continued to train, and just had my boyfriend massage the knee at times and rub in Voltarin gel to alleviate the discomfort. When it began to play up again realised it would be better to avoid wait times and went back to North Strathfield Medical and saw my regular doctor there, who I will call Dr Funny. I like Dr Funny as he jokes and flirts with me and reassures me on the simplest and most cost effective ways to treat anything that ails me. He told me not to worry about my knee and that any diagnosis would be expensive, just to continue with my weight-loss & health journey and see a physiotherapist.

Around this time I was at work and my knee began to swell and become uncomfortable again. I saw a GP in the Hornsby area who I will call Dr Asshole (after moving recently I didn’t see my regular GP) who told me to lose weight and that I had arthritis in the knee… Now let me just be clear in saying that this doctor DID NOT EVEN LOOK AT/ TOUCH MY KNEE! He recommended a week of rest (no work) and weight loss (he didn’t weigh me either). After telling him he had given me the worst experience with a GP ever , I took the week of rest (using half my annual sick days) and began to feel a bit better.

I continued my search to track down the cause of my discomfort and did physio or massage when it was really inflamed. My boyfriend continued with the massage and Voltarin and I located a physiotherapist and began getting treatment. They were also at a loss for what it was. They gave me stretches and suggested seeing a Sports Physician, however when I contacted the one they referred he no longer took new patients.

So I put that on hold, using the physio to treat my pain and continued to train. When the throbbing next returned I traveled back to my old GP centre for advice – but instead of my regular GP -I saw a different GP in the centre – Dr Serious – and he reviewed by x-ray & ultrasound and referred me to get an MRI. He was knowledgable and inspired confidence – he may not be funny but he seemed effective. At $250 a pop I had a lot of hope to getting a diagnosis from this, although I saved up before getting it done.

I joined up at my local gym and got a PT that I am now seeing fortnightly but initially saw weekly. He set me up training on large muscle groups that would not aggravate my knee. Eventually I got the MRI scan and the results and went to the old GP office to get the results. Dr Serious who referred me for the MRi was not on that day so as I wanted to get the results on the weekend I opted to see my regular GP. Dr Funny read the diagnosis, and summarised that the report said I had Illiotibial Band Friction Syndrome, and that the results indicate a cortisone shot with dye would confirm the diagnosis as well as treat the issue. He then told me that it would be better to refer me to see a sports physician rather than going straight to cortisone/steroid shots.

Despite knowing Dr Funny can be a bit lax with the details, I trusted this and left with my referral. I had not thought to ask about how one would get cortisone shots or what would be involved, but instead felt reassured I had been given the best solution. Until I called to make an appointment and they advised it was $170-$200 as the sports physician is a specialist doctor. Dammit!! I called the doctors office to ask about the cortisone shot option but was advised to leave a message and they would get back to me. That was a week ago now.

It just goes to show that GPs can either be really good or really bad. My old favourite doctor, Dr Funny was cool – but ultimately not that helpful or good at outlining all possible options. He downplayed areas which were important for me to understand – and while seeing him was not unpleasant it resulted in needed several followups to get info not provided.
Dr Asshole is apparently renound in our area for being mean, rude and blunt with patients. I considered making a formal complaint to the advisory board, but in the end I just will never see him again. In fact this is why I still would rather drive 30 mins to my old GP office.
Dr Serious I have only seen that one time and I would be happy to continue seeing him if not for the 30 min drive and the fact that I would need to see Dr Funny while in the waiting room and risk offending him for no longer visiting.
Sigh the trials of being a patient.

Now I think I will get a local doctor, identify my options with treating/ further diagnosing the injury, going back to Physio now i have knowledge of the issue, and working with my PT to avoid aggravating it during training.

A 60 minute workout is only 4% of your day! No excuses!

Fighting the Black Dog

Published October 2, 2012 by keya82

Fighting the black dog is hard. Sometimes you may go weeks without a down day, time seems endless, everything seems possible and worth the effort. On Black Dog Days everything is different. Nothing external can grab you and haul you out of the darkness. There may be a larger purpose but it is lost to you. Things you enjoyed just yesterday are now mundane and pointless.

The hardest part is that on these days it can feel best to be alone. Other people may not understand that you cannot control this. Your interaction with the world will not go unnoticed in these days, so in addition to dealing with the darkness you can add guilt. Guilt for being a drag to those close to you. Guilt for not doing or being enough. Guilt for not being able to do something to fix it. Guilt because there are far worse lives to live than yours. Being around others can often amplify this feeling of being different, feeling weak, feeling isolated.

In the worst scenario you may not even have recognised the signals of a Black Dog Day. You may have woken with a mild fog in your mind, and determined to avoid the darkness you arise attempting to enjoy the day. The possibilities for the day stretch out endlessly, and you are still sitting there trying to wake up your mind to decide which possibility to make reality. You may engage a loved one to do something with you, however whether or not they do doesn’t matter their answer because a BDD does not allow you to reach the enjoyment and serenity you crave. Instead everything is met with an anguish that what you are doing is not how you imagined it or how you wanted it to be. Even after doing what you wanted the black dog dragged you down to see only the failings in your life, and none of the achievements.

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Images above from I HAD A BLACK DOG copyright Matthew Johnstone 2006.

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http://www.depression.com.au outlines depression below;

WHAT IS DEPRESSION OR DEPRESSIVE ILLNESS?

We use the term “depression” in normal conversation to describe distress or unhappiness following an unpleasant event that has happened to us. This depression is a perfectly normal response of course, is usually short-lived, and usually resolves rapidly, without the need for any specific treatment.

In contrast, depressive illness, is a much more severe and prolonged condition, with persistent sadness, negativity and difficulty coping, which will affect about 20% of people at some stage in their lives. Those who have not suffered depressive illness can understand more clearly the suffering involved by recalling the most distressed state they have experienced in their own lives, and imagine that feeling continuing for weeks or months. Depressive illness is the emotional equivalent of a broken leg. The condition is painful and disabling, but with a very high cure rate. Indeed, many people state they would far prefer to have a broken leg or some other obvious physical problem, which would allow them and the people around them to understand why they are so suddenly disabled.

Depressive illness is similar to cancer in many ways. No one is immune from either, regardless of age, sex, intelligence, social status, etc. In severe cases, the condition is life threatening. Early, intensive and occasionally prolonged treatment gives the best chance of totally eradicating the illness, and reducing the risk of relapse. A combination of your own efforts, and appropriate medication, produces much better results than either approach on its own.

http://www.depression.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=14&Itemid=17

This long weekend I had a BDD or a couple of them really. I also realised that my boyfriend doesn’t really understand the illness as outlined above. He really was trying to help but because it could not be worked through logically he couldn’t see what could be done about it. Sadly I know I would be the same if I was not the one with depressive illness. I wouldn’t get why they didn’t just fight it, or try harder. The other common misconception is that an event or circumstance has caused it. This may be the root of general depressed feelings but depressive illness needs no such event. There is no stimulus other than a difference in your brain, to put it simply, the darkness is just there. It’s not a weakness but a disease.

I suspect that I experienced depressive illness much earlier than I was diagnosed with it. Sure I spent time shuttled off to counselors and natural therapists but really I was just sad. Life seemed to have dealt me a dud hand – even at that age – and I got to see the wonderful, happy, full hands of my friends, schoolmates and siblings, yet what I had I recognised was always going to make my life harder. My reasons for feeling this are numerous but primarily due to an awareness that differences between my life and that of my peers were so different – typical feelings of a child not part of a young typical ‘family unit’ in the 80’s/ 90’s.

Rather than being invigorated to succeed by this knowledge, I instead became fearful and began to anticipate with dread the time that would start to affect me (although this WAS how it affected me – the depression anyway). I was always a sensitive child. I had to stop myself watching the news from a young age as all it showed was death, disaster, sadness and suffering. The world seemed so much worse when I knew what bad things were happening out there. It’s not like the news really focuses on good things that occur in the world. No, it’s doom and gloom. There should be a news program for the good stories, heroic rescues, love, friendships, positive stories to offset the news we hear today. Not ‘fluff’ pieces but real human positivity.

But I digress, the hardest parts of suffering from depressive illness, or any mental illness really, are the lack of control you have over your ‘state’ and the lack of understanding that people close to you have about it.

Depression is a feeling, a sadness that will pass, but during it you feel it will never end. However depressive illness doesn’t just pass. It is not just mind over matter. The lack of feeling understood during these bouts cause further isolation to the sufferer and reinforce feelings of guilt for how you affect those around you, and sadness for how much easier life would be and happier you would be, if only you could escape the black dog.

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For anyone who knows someone with depressive illness my advice is this; this person loves you and appreciates you all the time. They may seem distant or sad, they may be disagreeable or needy, they may appear fine one moment and different the next, but they love you and need all the love, patience and support you can give them.

And for fellow sufferers; Love yourself. Love your family and friends. remember to ride the wave as the BDD will be over soon. You will be ok.

There are numerous organisations and blogs set up to support mental illness, which provide useful resources and information for sufferers and their loved ones. I have listed some key ones I find useful below: