Motivation

Motivation is hard. When you are lacking it there is just no getting anything done. What I find strange about myself is at those times, I put on my big girls panties and clean the house.This seems to be the only thing I find motivation for when I am down. I think it’s because of the instant reward you get. Now its dirty, and boom after a short while its clean! Magic! If only everything else was as easy to see results in. I may also just reorganize something that is already clean (e.g. Bathroom cabinets or pantry) just to regain a sense of control over my life, through my physical environment. Note: this will also be the time I get mad when my boyfriend doesn’t clean up his mugs/ washing/ computer cables/ etc to my required level of pedantic order, as it then feels like my physical environment cannot even be controlled! Overkill? Yes! Understandable? Hopefully also yes. I crave order to feel control resulting from a lack of control in other areas of my life – eat your heart out Freud!

So, my fitness routine has completely gone down the tubes. I can’t remember the last time I went to the gym (other than to transfer my membership to my new local branch) and the clean eating has also fallen by the wayside. It requires so much planning!! I think that had I cooked it all myself and repeated the recipes when I did the 12WBT I’d at least have an arsenal of go-to clean meals, but even then I’d still have my Boyf unkeen to revisit parts of the menu! The annoying thing is I like cooking. I like experimenting with recipes and adding extra flavours, but to keep the recipes clean I need to limit this which makes it less fun to me.

I think the barrier I have about going to the gym is its several suburbs away and must be driven to in heavy traffic. If I could walk across the road to hit the gym I would, as the time it takes to get there is minimal. When I’m travelling 2 hours to get to & from work then cooking a tasty & nutritious (somewhat unclean) meal from scratch (add another hour or 2), any extra time I have I want to use relaxing with my Boyf at home or sleeping!

I declared yesterday that I want to get a cross trainer for the flat. Maybe just rent one until I know I will use it. I think this would strike out my excuses for going to the gym. There would be NO commute to get there & I can shower in my own bathroom and get dressed in my clothes without lugging a bag around with my non gym clothes. The other benefit is I will get the instant result. example:

“I feel like exercising. I’ve been so lazy lately. Well I’ll just jump on this large exercise machine in my lounge & work out. I can have dinner cooking while I work out & watch Game of Thrones on DVD!”

Seriously, the more I think about it the more I think this suits my lifestyle. I can come home. Relax for an hour. Feel lazy so jump on the cross trainer. Get sweaty. Sit down again. Feel guilty. Get on the cross trainer again. Before I know it I’ve quadrupled my activity because I can access it easily. And I genuinely believe this is how I would use it too. Sure, some days might be formal workouts with time and distance goals but mostly it would be driven by guilt over my levels of activity and the huge exercise machine taking up space in my unit!
The only minor challenge with this is that I had to sign up a new contract with my gym when I changed locations so I will need to look into cancellation fees /:

Anyhoo, I know I want to make a new routine, but I want it to be one I can stick to by myself without relying on a buddy or on a certain finishing time at work etc, as my friends are not local or into the same type of self-improvement/ discipline that I am and I work a roster that changes weekly.

I wish that the time I spent thinking about what I’d like to be doing, health and fitness-wise, counted as part of my fitness! I’d be set!!
I know willpower is a muscle, and you need to flex it regularly for it to grow stronger. I just don’t want to be in a regimented structure where it’s black or white. I want a structure which is flexible and can allow for choices other than exercise or don’t exercise. Eat clean or eat crap. Maybe I’m just making excuses.
Has anyone else struggled with this, and managed to find the right routine for you?

Welcome to 2013!

It’s been months since I last posted and I am now posting from the freedom of my awesome new iPad! Best boyfriend ever!! Meanwhile during my much-deserved Xmas holidays (2 weeks of unscheduled bliss!) I pondered blogging, writing in general and how people find (make) the time to do this daily. I used to write many of my posts on the train in but since D got a new job we drive in together most days & my mind isn’t focused on reflection. I have subscribed to many interesting blogs over the last year, however some are simply an online food diary, or vent-spot for a lack of meeting goals, which is not that enthralling to read. For example I am not interested in photos of the food you ate (unless of course you also include a nice calorie breakdown and recipe!)

So this leaves me to ponder what is interesting reading, and what I want to write about myself. Until I work that out though you will just need to stick with my musings, sorry! 🙂

I feel very refreshed this year. I have lots of exciting things happening this year & next year. I’ve just moved into our new place together. unpacking is going very slowly (mainly as D & I have differing levels of urge to get it finished!). My 10 years at work occurs in May meaning I will have earned long service leave…YAY! My best friend is getting married next year, and I have some tentative study plans for this year too. I guess it being summer also helps as I’m always happier in good weather. It’s been a very odd summer actually. Several days of 40 degree heat, but mostly humid days or even cool rainy days. Usually you get more sweltering days then rainy ones so it has been rather odd.

The other exciting thing lately was my birthday! How did I forget to mention that one! I love being a January baby. The 10 year anniversary of my 21st will be fun to celebrate tonight. I had to delay my celebrations as we moved the weekend of my birthday, so I’m looking forward to a night out to celebrate tonight! I’m hoping my friends can decipher the confusing changes in my event. Originally I had planned to do my birthday last weekend which was also the weekend of moving house. Why I thought I could move all day then go out to celebrate my bday I don’t know! So I pushed it out a week then realised the new date was Australia Day…dammit! So I pushed it out another day and now just hope my nearest & dearest can make it! It’s tough in January as I have about 10 people I know who also celebrate within days of my birthday so hopefully some of them can make it.

Leading up to the move, I’ve been madly browsing Pinterest getting design ideas, and organising tips which is heaps of fun for me (sad but true). One of my fav pastimes lately has been pinning interior design ideas and DIY projects. Although now we are in the new place I’m amused that I can hardly get motivated to unpack my clothes! I was all gung ho about it all week but D wanted to leave it till the weekend so we could relax after work. Now we want to relax on our weekend and I’m getting over not having things in their place, and I’m sick of navigating around boxes!

Surrounded by boxes, D sleeping in the next room I think I’ll finally get started on setting up a room other than the lounge or kitchen. Annnnnnnd I’m still sitting here… Wish me luck!

That’s about it for now so keep reading, and keep dreaming!

The simple things

I want to understand why I am finding this round of 12WBT so much harder to be motivated by. I know I personally need a really structured routine to stick to this type of lifestyle. Sadly it is not something I just naturally want to do, and maybe in time and routine that will change, but until then each decision is a flex of the will power muscle and a chance to give in to the voice and choose NOT to do it.

Currently I am 40 days away from a house move, my first place I will share with my boyfriend just the two of us. We are both so excited to have this home together and are both looking forward to the freedom of choice and space. Currently we live with my boyfriend’s mother and sisters in their family home. We share the smallest bedroom in the house and as the only boy he is often requested to do more chores and house work than the girls are. This is the nature of their family which is fine. They are lovely people, very welcoming, friendly, fun and clever. The only downside is I have lived out of home for 12 years. This makes joining somone else’s family (no matter how nice) very difficult. It’s the simple things I miss…

SIMPLE THINGS I MISS

• Walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night in a state of unself-conscious undress
• Running from being in the shower to the linen cupboard to grab a towel (in the buff)
• Having my kitchen tidied and organised the way I like it for my cooking
• Knowing that any mess present was my own fault, and taking pride in cleaning up
• Sleeping in without interruption
• Being able to go to bed really late and not worry I will wake someone
• Getting home and enjoying the power to choose a peaceful silence, my fav CD played really loud, the TV or my own singing
• Being able to be naked or in knickers at any place in the home without anyone inappropriate being there to see
• Being able to choose when I did washing. cleaning etc

All this aside, I have been so lucky to be able to join their family, and live with them these last months as it has really helped to save money, and to appreciate the important things and people in my boyfriend’s life. I am glad to have gotten to know these people, who are so important to him, and to be able to appreciate a family life I have never known myself. Here is a list of the things I value most about their family are also things I used to wish I had.

THINGS I VALUE ABOUT TRADITIONAL FAMILY

• Always someone to talk to
• Family can be like friends, who you share your experiences and secrets with
• A loud bustling kitchen is the heart of the home
• Not having to grow up too fast (e.g. mum still doing their washing at 29 where I have been doing mine since I was 14 – I remember when I was 10 starting to make my own lunch for school)
• Family Traditions – e.g. each person in the family has a particular meal they make to contribute to the overall Xmas meal
• Extended family – visiting grandma is a refreshing change, especially as she is what you would expect a grandma to be like – but with more pizazz! My Australian grandama died when I was 8 and my Balinese grandma only speaks balinese (and lives there) which makes the idea of the nurturing grandparents pretty foreign to me!
•  Impromptu Family Games and Movie Nights that often include beers & snacks

 

Photos: Copyright Akea Scott 2010 Africa

All in all being part of a family is really refreshing and lovely. I think the hardest part is adjusting when this is not a familiar experience. Once we are in our own place we will be able to have the best of both worlds. I’ll be able to have the privacy and control over my home, the lovely adopted family of my partner, the ability to set up structure for my cooking and exercise routine to work towards my health and fitness goals, and a shared sanctuary with my boyfriend for us to start our lives together.

I have to say I also enjoy the fact that having a non-traditional family has allowed me to nurture and develop my friendships into family I have chosen.

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT FRIENDS BEING MY FAMILY

• Love, understanding and acceptance
• Fun birthdays and family gatherings
• Awesome photos, jokes and memories
• No need to say “Sorry I can’t I have a ‘family’ thing…”
• Generally always know what to give them as gifts
• These are the people who will be making their own families when you are which gives you that broader extended family
• These people may have traditional families giving you the best of both worlds!

Another thing I am looking forward to is for the first time in several years actually just taking time off over Christmas and NOT GOING ANYWHERE! My mum has been quite sick / unwell the last few years and as she does not live nearby all my annual leave (with the exception of 2010, the year I went to Africa) has gone to just seeing my mum – which is nice but hey she can come see me too right?!
I realised this year that 2 years of not having a holiday or adventure has made me so stressed and just craving a new exciting experience. I mean I work to live right, but lately it’s just been working to pay bills and that is no way to live.

This is my favourite time of year as we have Christmas, then New Years (complete with New Years resolutions that I inevitably end up ignoring!) and in January it’s my birthday. Now we also have our new home to look forward to which is BEYOND exciting! We will be able to establish our home the way we want it to be, and can have the kind of relationship you dream about (without worrying if someone will hear you or if you closed the bedroom door!).

Each day I am working on ideas for our home, how to ft in my exercise and diet routine, how to work towards my own business one day and how to be happy and not let ‘life’ get me down. There is so much love and joy to be had in this world and I fully intend to have my share!!

x

 

Photo: Copyright Akea Scott 2010 Africa

 

Fighting the Black Dog

Fighting the black dog is hard. Sometimes you may go weeks without a down day, time seems endless, everything seems possible and worth the effort. On Black Dog Days everything is different. Nothing external can grab you and haul you out of the darkness. There may be a larger purpose but it is lost to you. Things you enjoyed just yesterday are now mundane and pointless.

The hardest part is that on these days it can feel best to be alone. Other people may not understand that you cannot control this. Your interaction with the world will not go unnoticed in these days, so in addition to dealing with the darkness you can add guilt. Guilt for being a drag to those close to you. Guilt for not doing or being enough. Guilt for not being able to do something to fix it. Guilt because there are far worse lives to live than yours. Being around others can often amplify this feeling of being different, feeling weak, feeling isolated.

In the worst scenario you may not even have recognised the signals of a Black Dog Day. You may have woken with a mild fog in your mind, and determined to avoid the darkness you arise attempting to enjoy the day. The possibilities for the day stretch out endlessly, and you are still sitting there trying to wake up your mind to decide which possibility to make reality. You may engage a loved one to do something with you, however whether or not they do doesn’t matter their answer because a BDD does not allow you to reach the enjoyment and serenity you crave. Instead everything is met with an anguish that what you are doing is not how you imagined it or how you wanted it to be. Even after doing what you wanted the black dog dragged you down to see only the failings in your life, and none of the achievements.

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Images above from  I HAD A BLACK DOG copyright Matthew Johnstone 2006.

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http://www.depression.com.au outlines depression below;

WHAT IS DEPRESSION OR DEPRESSIVE ILLNESS?

We use the term “depression” in normal conversation to describe distress or unhappiness following an unpleasant event that has happened to us.  This depression is a perfectly normal response of course, is usually short-lived, and usually resolves rapidly, without the need for any specific treatment.

In contrast, depressive illness, is a much more severe and prolonged condition, with persistent sadness, negativity and difficulty coping, which will affect about 20% of people at some stage in their lives.  Those who have not suffered depressive illness can understand more clearly the suffering involved by recalling the most distressed state they have experienced in their own lives, and imagine that feeling continuing for weeks or months.  Depressive illness is the emotional equivalent of a broken leg.  The condition is painful and disabling, but with a very high cure rate.  Indeed, many people state they would far prefer to have a broken leg or some other obvious physical problem, which would allow them and the people around them to understand why they are so suddenly disabled.

Depressive illness is similar to cancer in many ways.  No one is immune from either, regardless of age, sex, intelligence, social status, etc.  In severe cases, the condition is life threatening.  Early, intensive and occasionally prolonged treatment gives the best chance of totally eradicating the illness, and reducing the risk of relapse.  A combination of your own efforts, and appropriate medication, produces much better results than either approach on its own.

http://www.depression.com.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=14&Itemid=17

This long weekend I had a BDD or a couple of them really. I also realised that my boyfriend doesn’t really understand the illness as outlined above. He really was trying to help but because it could not be worked through logically he couldn’t see what could be done about it. Sadly I know I would be the same if I was not the one with depressive illness. I wouldn’t get why they didn’t just fight it, or try harder. The other common misconception is that an event or circumstance has caused it. This may be the root of general depressed feelings but depressive illness needs no such event.  There is no stimulus other than a difference in your brain, to put it simply, the darkness is just there. It’s not a weakness but a disease.

  

I suspect that I experienced depressive illness much earlier than I was diagnosed with it. Sure I spent time shuttled off to counselors and natural therapists  but really I was just sad. Life seemed to have dealt me a dud hand – even at that age – and I got to see the wonderful, happy, full hands of my friends, schoolmates and siblings, yet what I had I recognised was always going to make my life harder. My reasons for feeling this are numerous but primarily due to an awareness that differences between my life and that of my peers were so different – typical feelings of a child not part of a young typical ‘family unit’ in the 80’s/ 90’s.

Rather than being invigorated to succeed by this knowledge, I instead became fearful and began to anticipate with dread the time that would start to affect me (although this WAS how it affected me – the depression anyway). I was always a sensitive child. I had to stop myself watching the news from a young age as all it showed was death, disaster, sadness and suffering. The world seemed so much worse when I knew what bad things were happening out there. It’s not like the news really focuses on good things that occur in the world. No, it’s doom and gloom. There should be a news program for the good stories, heroic rescues, love, friendships, positive stories to offset the news we hear today. Not ‘fluff’ pieces but real human positivity.

But I digress, the hardest parts of suffering from depressive illness, or any mental illness really, are the lack of control you have over your ‘state’ and the lack of understanding that people close to you have about it.

Depression is a feeling, a sadness that will pass, but during it you feel it will never end. However depressive illness doesn’t just pass. It is not just mind over matter. The lack of feeling understood during these bouts cause further isolation to the sufferer and reinforce feelings of guilt for how you affect those around you, and sadness for how much easier life would be and happier you would be, if only you could escape the black dog.

Images above from  I HAD A BLACK DOG copyright Matthew Johnstone 2006.

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For anyone who knows someone with depressive illness my advice is this; this person loves you and appreciates you all the time. They may seem distant or sad, they may be disagreeable or needy, they may appear fine one moment and different the next, but they love you and need all the love, patience and support you can give them.

And for fellow sufferers; Love yourself. Love your family and friends. remember to ride the wave as the BDD will be over soon. You will be ok.

There are numerous organisations and blogs set up to support mental illness, which provide useful resources and information for sufferers and their loved ones. I have listed some key ones I find useful below:

 

 

 

 

http://www.depression.com.au/

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/index.cfm

https://www.facebook.com/PositiveAtmosphere?ref=stream

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Live-The-Life-You-Love-CoachingTraining/275503965800862?ref=stream

https://www.facebook.com/psychcentral?ref=stream

The case of the Monthly Mind Invasion (MMI)

Today I can identify my thoughts becoming less certain and more doubtful, less positive and more critical particularly to myself, my appearance, my social interaction, my contribution the the world.

Normally I get to the Monthly Mind Invasion (that time of the month) and don’t realize what is causing my irrational thoughts, frustrations and negative feelings about myself. I recognize it early this month which is encouraging.

The MMI (TTOM) for me occurs in 3 stages.

Stage 1

Occurs around a week before any physical signs of the Invasion, and brings a mild uncertainty of my value socially. I am self critical, doubt some of my relationships, get easily frustrated and frazzled. I also feel very fatigued which results in a guilt for not following through with things I had previously agreed to.

This stage is also the Comparison Killer. This is where you harshly judge yourself against everyone. They are more happy then me, thinner than me, kinder than me, smarter or funnier than me. This can quickly set the tone for self esteem decline in the following days.

Stage 2

This stage is short but intense, usually 2-3 days from before, to just after the first physical signs of Invasion. This is where all emotions are heightened and feel uncontrollable. Uncertainty, jealousy, paranoia, fear, hyper sensitivity, introspection, self-doubt, self-criticism, frustration and panic are all strong here. This stage is often the most damaging as it is where any mild thoughts become extreme.

For example; Your boyfriend talking to a female colleague is viewed in extreme and morphs into a long nurtured attraction occurring right in front of your very eyes!

Your friends are all chatting together and having a laugh as always, suddenly an innocent tease feels like a true indication of your place as loser in the group- despite no other evidence to support this theory. Or perhaps you walk up to a group of friends and the conversation lulls, leaving an extreme worry that the topic of conversation may have been you.

Yes Stage 2 is truly awful, soul crushing stuff. This is where the Invasion begins to play with your life, encouraging you to confront people, to resent them, to feel hurt, to read into all interactions in search of areas where you could be being fooled or foolish. This is the danger zone for fights and the area that gives women a bad emotional rap! 

Stage 3

This stage is signaled by irritability and self pity. This is a stage varying in length that includes the after effects of stage 2. Any disagreements or confrontations are fresh, self pity kicks in, mood can swing from joy and happiness to morose nostalgia for simpler times and comfort. This is typically the time where many will spend their free time curled up with DVDs and ice cream (or for 12wbters fruit and low fat yoghurt). The reality of what happened in stage 2 comes clear and another onslaught of guilt occurs for anything said and done impulsively at this time. There may be tearful apologies or anger and irritability if any conflict was not resolved. This is where the most common thought is “why don’t you understand me?”

Now add to all this in your head, the physical effects of MMI:

Cramps, migraines, weight gain, cramps, fatigue, cramps…

Yes the Monthly Mind Invasion is a challenge for all, especially those closest to the afflicted woman!

Seeing my symptoms begin at Stage 1 I feel a strong urge to resist the inevitable next stages! To nurture and love those closest to me, and myself, to mitigate damage!

Wish me luck! x

When things go wrong… and your plans go awry

 

Last week was going well until Wednesday. On Wednesday I got news of trouble (I won’t go into details) and my mood and motivation spiraled into despair. Thursday brought even worse trouble. On these days I went to the pub and enjoyed 2-3 beers. Friday after work I was at the pub again and drank at least 7. All the beers are low carb but it’s a huge impact to my calories.

 

The biggest problem was not the drinking.. it was the motivation to stick to the plan. Instead of being committed and giving myself something to be proud of, I was demotivated, depressed and worried, using all my energy to focus on my troubles instead of using this energy to work out. Pounding the pavement may have actually brought perspective earlier too.

 

I suffer from depression anyway, and have found that exercise helps. I was in shock during those days (blow after blow) and I just couldn’t seem to do anything but feel sorry for myself.

 

Then today I burned 936 calories playing tennis and running. I also gave myself a talking to. I said; YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEEL SAD! You have the power choose your circumstances, and you don’t need to keep yourself in this situation. YOU DO NOT NEED TO FEEL ANGRY!! You know you have put your all into this job, and are committed daily to your staff and their development. Anyone who says otherwise is a BIG FAT LIAR. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE SCARED!! What will happen, will happen whether or not you fear it.

 

I may have fallen off the wagon early, but I am back on it now, and have learned a valuable lesson. When life throws shit at you you can sit and let it hit you, or you can start running, and stay positive.

 

It’s funny how work can actually be one of the longest relationships you have ever had. This never ceases to amaze me, especially after being in the same workplace for over 9 years. Sometimes in life you may have issues in your social life, your work life, your inner self, your relationship, or your health. Sometimes a few of these may go wrong at the same time. Sometimes these things may all go wrong at once. But the best thing you can do is remember that you have choice and strength, then go for a run.